Thursday, January 12, 2017

Gave ...

2016 gets my emotions all kinds of crazy, all kinds of hormonal, all kinds of mixed up. Sometimes I can't even go there about 2016. I want to scream at it and tell it that it was terrible. I want to tell it that it stole too many people that I loved dearly. I want to tell it that it hurt my husband's heart more than it will ever know. I want to tell it that I shed more tears this year than in so many others combined. I want to tell it that I am so glad it's over. I want to be angry at 2016 and dismiss it and never think of it again. I want to tell it that 2 cousins, a close friend and a mother is too much for one year. I want to hate it. 

And then I look at Krozby. I look at that sweet face and think as much as 2016 stole, it gave too. 2016 just kicks me right in my emotional department. I want to be mad at it, but I know deep down that even in the midst of so much tragedy, confusion and heart ache, 2016 was still good and gracious. It almost makes me cringe to even give it credit.

But as much as 2016 took, it gave.

I remember walking into my cousin Bradley's funeral, standing there in the foyer. My Dad's side of the family is pretty good in size, I have a lot of cousins. We all stood together, a front you could say. It's a sad thing to say, but before that day I couldn't even remember the last time we were all together. I remember when my cousin Michael walked in the door. I remember hugging him, a little tighter than I would have in the past. That would be the last time I'd ever wrap my arms around that scrawny boy. 

I remember walking into Micahel's visitation just six weeks later. I watched my aunt come in the room, scanning it, looking only for her Mama. She found her and laid her head in my 85 year old Grandma's lap and just cried. A Mother's love is the strongest and in that moment, I was reminded of two things: my own strength and my own needs. I am a mother who is strong for her own children. And I am a child who sometimes needs to just cry in her mother's lap. There is no other love like it. 

I remember that Sunday morning in July, being a part of the group that filled the ICU waiting room. Between David's Family and Friends, not only was the waiting room full but so were the hallways. I remember standing next to Travis in David's room. The room was filled with people who loved him so much, none of us wanting to say goodbye, all of us still praying deep down for this to just be a dream. The time came for the "see ya later"s. I froze, unsure of myself, a complete mess. Travis let go of my hand and walked over to David's bedside. He held his hand and promised him that he would take care of his family. That we would always be there for his wife, his children, his grandchildren. I watched the gift of such a sweet friendship unfold and be promised to go on regardless that one of them was leaving earlier than the other. We sat in the waiting room telling stories of David's life, laughing because no story of David didn't lead you to laughter. David was one of the most hilarious people I have ever known. To know him was to not just love him, but to crave his presence. I hope he knows that everyday he gifts us with sweet, precious, hilarious memories. 

I remember sitting in the ICU room with Travis in October, his Mom hooked up to so many machines that it was overwhelming to look at. And when it got to be too much, to listen to, we looked at Krozby. We would hold him, talk to him, smile at him. Krozby made life in those tragic moments a tiny bit more bearable. Babies are good at that you know, bringing peace in times of trouble. 

In every one of these tragic moments, God gave me a little something. A reminder to hug a little tighter, a reminder of how strong we mothers truly are, a reminder to friend a little harder, a reminder to laugh in the midst of sadness, a reminder of how redeeming a baby's life can be. 

So yea, 2016 was hard. And it took, but it gave too. 

I'm looking forward to this year. I am looking for all of the little gifts and never forgetting the ones that I was reminded of in 2016. 

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