Time to Admit I'm a New Creature ...

I'm sitting here behind my computer picking at my nails, staring at the keyboard and peeking up at the blank screen like everything I'm thinking is going to just put itself there. Because, it's like, I don't know how to pick up something after having left it for so long. 

I've changed over the past year. Something about nearly losing your Dad, having to put on your Big Girl Panties to make some major adult decisions, deciding it's okay to dream again and making the changes to start doing that, losing two cousins who are your own age in a month of each other and turning 30 that'll do that to you. 

My friend Nicole turned 30 before I did and I remember her telling me how much changes. All the feels. All the ways you stop caring about some stuff and start caring way more about other stuff. All the ways you realize what is really important and just how brutiful this life thing is at it's core. All the ways you quit giving a rat's behind about other's opinions and start focusing more on the people who mean the most. All the ways you realize who your real friends are. All the ways you realize as a Mother that You matter, like You - not the Wife-You or the Mama-You - but just You. 

At 29, I thought she was crazy. 

At 30, I realized it's all true. I feel like over the past year, I've become a New Creature. I have learned to make my marriage more important than I ever have. I have learned to only value the opinions of those who matter most to me. I have learned that my Walk and my Relationship with God will not look like everyone else's and that's totally cool with Him. I have learned that not everyone will agree with me. I have learned our Family Dynamic is different than most of those around us and that's okay. Because here's the thing: they're not me. They're not Travis' wife. They're not Kollin, Kolt, Kruz, Kohen and Khloe's Mama. Nope. That'd be me. 

I have no idea where any of that just came from. For real. My intention was to get on here and be all blubbery about how much I miss this dang blog. But maybe though I'm just having a hard time starting again because a lot in me has changed and I needed to acknowledge that. 

Or maybe I'm just Hormonally Challenged these days and I don't blog anymore simply because it isn't written on my beloved To-Do List. Either one. 

Really though, I do miss this blog. I miss it enough that this will be my third attempt at jumping back in. 

I miss sharing my messiness, my victories, my favorite recipes. 

I miss venting. 

I miss letting all of my crazy show and forgetting until I see some of y'all in public and think, "Oh Dear".

I miss having something to go back and look at when it comes to how fast my babies are growing up.

Seriously though, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should put this sucker on my beloved To-Do List. That might just work. Because for real, if "Feed the Kids Breakfast" wasn't on there, they wouldn't get fed. 

I'm just gonna totally flip the script on ya and say all of these pictures are from Memorial Day! And yes, Kruz was there. He's just such a little fish that I couldn't catch him on the camera. 

Monday was good. My feels were a little way more there this year than the Memorial Days before since we lost my Cousin Bradley back in January. He served our country for several years proudly and at 29 he left us.

I made sure we sat the kiddos down this year and told them about Memorial Day; the history of it and why it is so much more than a day off of work and being at the pool all day. We talked about the difference in Armed Forces Day, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. We talked about Bradley and others in our family who have served.  We talked about soldiers and their bravery, their sacrifices, their families and how some give their life for our Freedom. We talked about Pearl Harbor, September 11 and Operation Iraqi Freedom. We talked about why I made them dress in Red, White and Blue for church the Sunday before. 

And before we were done, we circled around one of the Toy Soldiers our church gave out the day before as a reminder to pray for our military and we did just that. We took turns praying for our soldiers, their families and our country. 

Alright Y'all. That's all I got. 

My babies were worn out by the Pool today and it's so quiet here, so I'm off to read! 

Night!

Transform ...

Two years ago I sat behind this blog and chose just one word to follow for the New Year. No crazy resolution list, just one word. Two years ago that word was Positive and you can see that post here. I'd like to think my thinking has changed quite a bit since then in the positivity department. Last year I was trudging through a miserable first trimester with this doll. So there was no word. Or maybe the word was survival and I just didn't post about it. And if it was survival, well I think I did a pretty darn good job following that one because I made it through last year!

This year my word is transform. 

As I look at my life right now, I feel like I am looking at a pivotal point. A point where I can either choose to go one way, or choose to go another. One path I am looking at looks dark, lonely, confusing and sad. And the other looks more difficult to tackle, looks like there is much more work to do on my end, looks like a lot of changing. And it looks bright and it looks promising. 

I don't want to live a life of mediocracy. I want to be transformed into something amazing, something only God can do. My heart, my character, my voice, my thoughts, my servanthood, my actions, my diet, my parenting, my family relationships, my expectations, my body, my marriage, my words, my schedule, my home, my finances, my friendships - all of it, every single bit of it. It all needs to be transformed. If you are thinking that all of that sounds like so much more to do than just one word, well you are probably right. But here's the thing. This transformation, this grand transformation, can come from Him. I want to be transformed in Him, through Him, by Him.

I am choosing the bright path, the promising path. I am choosing to change. I am choosing to believe Him for what is best for me. I am choosing to lessen my expectations of those around me who disappoint me day in and day out and rest in Him. I am choosing to lean on Him and not desserts and Dr. Phil. I am choosing to start my day in His Word and in prayer. I am choosing to take a long look at my marriage and to make it better than it has ever been. I am choosing to tackle this parenting thing from a new angle and give it my all to have that infamous "Michelle Duggar voice". I am choosing to stop caring what others around me think and to give God the control over my family. I am choosing to let my friends know just how much they really mean to me. I am choosing to take better care of my body. I am choosing to change. I am choosing to be transformed. 

Social media and life in general can be so deceiving. Don't ya think? Most people who look into my life see nothing but rainbows and I guess that is why I try to be so real on here. I have actually had someone ask me before if the Hubs and I have ever fought before? Really. I'm not kidding. And I think I laughed at her. And it's not because we have knock down drag outs every day, but it is because nothing in life is perfect. Not a family, not a marriage, not friendships, not diets. Nothing. When looking into someone else's life, you don't always see the imperfect stuff. So let me share a little bit of my imperfect-ness. It's in my heart. My heart has been so hard lately. And in the past few months a lot in my life has come to surface. I am starting to recognize areas of my life that for so long I chose to sweep under the rug. I've been carrying a lot of hurt, a lot of feeling less than, a lot of burdens. I am seeing things from my childhood and from my marriage that I wish would have been different, things that I wish I would've stood up for a long time ago. And through this, God is jumping up and down screaming, "Over here! I'm over here! Come to Me for the healing you need! Come to Me and I will transform you into what I created you to be!" I hear His voice so sweetly and clearly and I am ready. I am ready to hang up the hurt, to hang up the feeling less than, to hang up the burdens. 

I am ready to be transformed.