I sat on the couch and wept.
How could it be that after so much effort and time that my world seemed to be crumbling right beneath me?
How could it be after nearly 12 years of marriage that I looked at my husband some days and wondered who he was and where our sappy love had went to?
How could it be after pouring into my children day in and day out there was still a struggle with respect, obedience and making the right choices everyday?
I sat on the couch and wept. I was in one of the most vulnerable states I had ever been in in my life. I knew no one in the flesh could give me the answer I needed to hear. The answer I needed for my spirit.
It was nothing my husband could say. It was nothing my preacher could say. It was nothing my best friend could say.
Through tear filled eyes, I reached over and grabbed the Bible sitting beside the lamp in our living room.
"Show me, Lord. Show me." I began to whisper over and over again as I gripped His Word.
And as if my fingers had no control anymore, I began to flip to Jeremiah.
My eyes began to see, my mind began to read, my heart began to fill.
"Cries of fear are heard - terror not peace."
"It will be a time of trouble ... but you will be saved out of it."
"Do not fear ... do not be dismayed."
"There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. All your allies have forgotten you; they care nothing for you."
When I first hit the couch in pure defeat, I felt so alone. I felt as though no one understood me or even knew for that matter just how abandoned and isolated I felt. Now I knew there was One who did understand me. He saw my tears. He heard my cries.
"I will restore you to health and heal your wounds."
"I will restore the fortunes of Jacob's tents and have compassion on his dwellings."
"I will add to their numbers and they will not be decreased."
"I will come to give you rest ..."
"I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt."
He began to show me what my future would look like.
"They will rejoice in the bounty of the Lord - the grain, the new wine, the oil."
"They will be like a well-watered garden, and they will sorrow no more."
"I will turn your mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
I stopped there though, thinking I had what I needed to pick up the pieces. And still I wept. My heart needed more. I needed something just for the Momma in me.
And just as God saw Rachel weeping so many years ago and comforted her with these words, He saw me in my own mess and used these same words to calm me too.
"Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded."
There it was. Above all I had read, this was the yummy icing on the most delicious cake I had ever eaten.
Our work will be rewarded.
The late night feedings.
The potty training.
The hours of school work we help with.
The sock folding.
The mundane task of sweeping and resweeping and sweeping again. In one day.
The thousands of diapers we change.
The books we read over and over.
The tying of shoes.
The loading and unloading and loading and unloading of the dishwasher.
The thousands of bowls of cereal we make.
The mouths we wipe.
The same toys we clean up over and over and over again.
The refereeing we do.
The prayers we pray for them.
The devotions we read to them.
Our work will be rewarded.
My work will be rewarded.
Your work will be rewarded.
So to my weeping Mommas, know your cries are heard, know you will be restored and your work will be rewarded.