Monday, June 20, 2011

I Often...

I often find myself wondering how different my life and my children's lives would be had my parents stayed together. I still weep over their divorce quite frequently and although I know it will never be like it was, I am still human and still allowed to feel what I do. My heart breaks to know that my kids will never know "Poppie" and "YahYah" as I did growing up. I know there were some tough times, but more wonderful than not for sure. I wish everyday things were different between my parents. I wish everyday I could pull up to the house I grew up in and see my parents sitting on the porch swing together, waiting on their grandchildren to get there. I wish everyday...

I often find myself wondering if my children get enough nutrients on a daily basis and how many steroids are really in the chicken they eat on a weekly basis.

I often find myself wanting more children. I know, I know, I can't handle the three I have most days. But still in my heart, I know that I want more. How many more? I don't know.

I often find myself wondering if I am truly here as a stay at home mom, or just here. I wonder if I spend enough time with them during the day, or if we just go through the motions of being within these walls for 24 hours. Often I look up at the clock and ask myself where the time went. Am I truly here?

I often find myself in prayer-whether I am driving down the road or just a quick thought in my mind about someone or something that has significance to me. I find great joy and relief in having a God I can talk to whenever I need to. I couldn't imagine NOT having him with me all the time. He is so good to me.

I often find myself wondering if I am doing things right. Am I supportive enough to my husband in him leading our Sunday School class at church and Righteous Faith Ministries? Am I a good mother to my three sons who will one day marry a woman whom they will (unknowingly) compare to me? Am I a daughter who spends enough time with her Daddy who lives alone and only 5 minutes down the road? Am I?

I often find myself wondering when I got here. Travis and I will be together for TEN years this August and I can still remember the first day I laid eyes on him in my driveway. Tanned, muscles and an old Ford pickup-the rest is history. Kollin is going on FIVE and I can remember walking the basement of the hospital at midnight, wondering if they would "keep" me or not. I can remember when a slew of people came into my hospital room and whisked my Kolt away from me and into the NICU. I can still remember the night I told Travis we were pregnant with our Kruzer-we bought an ornament that read "FAITH". Little did we know we would need tons of faith to get us through Christmas Day.

I often find myself wishing my Mom lived closer to me. I miss her everyday. I never thought our relationship would find us this far apart (only an hour, but still too far for me), but it has. I cherish the time I have with her and although my family exhaust her when she is here, I know she wished she lived closer too.

I often find myself in awe of how wonderful God truly is to me. Three healthy children and a man who serves the Lord with all of this heart. What did I do to deserve this life?

I often find myself laughing. I laugh at Kollin and Kolt and the many crazy, off-the-wall things they come up with. I laugh at the voicemails my MawMaw leaves me nearly once a day-even though she knows I will call her right back. I laugh at Travis when he so smoothly gives me a pick up line. I laugh at Jerseylicious. I laugh at Madea Movies. I laugh.

I often find myself wishing we had more. Who doesn't? I would love a nicer SUV with AC vents in the back for the kiddos, a bigger house with land, more clothes to choose from in the mornings, and plain and simple-just more money in the bank. Then, I am so sweetly reminded of how blessed I am and I am humbled.

I often find myself wondering how my husband does what he does, sees what he sees and still goes back every third day. I am thankful for men and women like him who risk their lives everyday to save strangers. I would have never guessed my husband to be in this line of work, but I think it is so cool. And to be honest, a man in uniform is so sexy :)

I often find myself looking for balance in this hectic life of mine. Between being a wife, Mom, christian, photographer and friend-I feel bogged down most days. Where is that balance?

I often find myself wondering how divorce comes so easy these days. Marriage is meant to be forever, not just until times get tough. I am thankful that Travis and I know we will be together forever, as long as the Good Lord allows us to live on this earth. We have never and never plan to speak of the word divorce. Divorce is not an option for us.

Where do you often find yourself?

1 comment:

  1. What a wonderful, honest post, thank you Kelsey. And girl, I just want you to know you aren't alone. As children, wives, mother's and daughters of an amazing God, I too "wonder". It's refreshing to know that a lot of your questions are the same as a lot of mine. It's good to know I'm not the only one who questions..

    I'm not a child of divorce, so I don't know how that feels, but as you know death robbed me of my father almost 7 years ago and in turn robbed my children of the best grandfather they never got to know. It breaks my heart almost daily, if I allow myself to think about it. I find myself wishing that he could have known them, even just for a short time. But as you know, my mom has met a WONDERFUL man whom she loves and who loves her dearly and that is all I could have asked for, for her. But I still find myself feeling like I got ripped off. I still wonder what life would have been like had it not been his time to go. Wishing my girls could have known him and known them together, as their grandparents. Their lives would have been so much richer. And I think "it's NOT fair!"

    Anyways, I could go on and on, but I just wanted to say thanks for your honesty!