I feel regret ...
I have an older brother. Guess some of you know that and some of you don't.
He is 5 years older than me and I would like to say we were pretty close growing up - I mean he did save me from an ant bed once when I was just a little bitty thing.
So many memories flourish my past and I can't help but think of them tonight.
"Brother. Will you scoot over?" And swish swish went his waterbed when I would sneak into his room after a nightmare.
I am sure my Momma couldn't count all the times she heard me say "No! I want to be like Scotty!!". Good grief - everything from me wearing his white Fruit of the Looms to giving myself my own matching crew cut.
And I will never forget one of the biggest "...be like Scotty" moments: I came home after ordering my middle school class ring and telling my Momma I ordered the January stone instead of my own birth month so it could look like my brother's high school graduation ring. Yes, I did that.
We went from summers spent in the creek fishing for tadpoles to him leaving for college in what seemed like the blink of an eye.
Somewhere during the years after he graduated and headed to college our closeness slipped away. Regret.
Years go by and before you know it life changes dramatically. College. Marriages. Jobs. Kids. Moves.
My brother and his family now live in Florida, 8 hours away. Having the ability to see one another often is gone. I regret not taking advantage of the short 30 minute trip to my brother's old house to see them more often. I regret not having girly afternoons with Emma. 30 minutes has went to 8 hours. And I miss them more than I ever knew I could.
Awe, but this weekend. This weekend. Well, it brought me hope.
My brother and his brood stayed with us this weekend. I finally got to see my nieces and nephew again! I haven't seen them, other than FaceTime, since last February. Can I just say how wonderful it was? I listened so intently to Kollin and my niece Emma laugh together. I tried to bottle it in my memory. I watched Kruz and my other niece Bella play together in the church nursery this morning. I could feel my heart smiling. I want them to know one another. Cousins are awesome, plain and simple. Kollin and Emma are calling themselves Twin Cousins. How adorable right? And Miss Bella will never know how special she made me feel when she yelled "Aunt Kelsey" when I walked into the church nursery to pick her and Kruz up. She knows me, I thought. Hope.
Seeing them together this weekend brought hope. I face the fact that the regret part I can now do nothing about. That time is gone. Days I will never get back, but I have hope in the future. I have hope that financially God will provide a way for us to make that trip more often than once in a year to see them in Florida. I have hope that we each will find more time for our kids to FaceTime. I have hope that Kollin and Emma will continue to be PenPals. I have hope that my own relationship with my brother will continue to mend and become stronger. I have hope.