Friday, February 13, 2015

Peace ...

Hi y'all. 

So don't be mad that I posted a status promising a post (like 2 weeks ago) and then totally dropped the ball on publishing one. My bad. Life happened. Over and over and over again. 

If you could only see all of the drafts on my dashboard you'd know just how many times I have sat down to write about life these days. But the words were never right, so more times than I care to share I just closed the computer down and thought 'not right now'. 

This morning I erased all of those half written posts, took a deep breath, planted my butt on the couch (fireside I might add because it is flipping cold here) and decided today would be the day!

My heart has been really focused in other places than my blog. And this one might not be as long as the others or as light and airy. But lets face it, sometimes life just isn't light and airy. And those times need to be talked about too because that is what makes life real. We're not perfect. In the words of Momastery, life is brutiful.

I started 2015 off with my heart wide open. I looked back on 2014 and knew I needed better. Knew I needed to be more filled, more loved on. Knew I needed a better marriage. Knew I needed to be a better, more consistent Momma. Knew I needed to change. Knew I needed to be a better friend. Knew I needed to be more engaged, more intent. Knew I needed to be happier. 

Its hard to give the bad parts of the good things a voice. 

But I have. And it was hard. I had to recognize there was bitterness in my heart from things in the past. I had to put a voice to that hurt in order to heal from it. 

I have had to make myself available to Jesus. Its easier said than done with a house full of people who demand your time all the time and a list as long as a mile of things to do. It's easy to become distracted from Him by the laundry, by the TV, by a book. Making ample time for Him though has allowed me to become more vulnerable and moldable than I have ever been. And slowly, but surely He is healing my heart. I savor my mornings with Him. And this time, I refuse to lose sight of my relationship with Him like I have done so many times in the past. I simply refuse to quit seeking Him. I refuse to be content with a mediocre relationship with my Savior. After an abundance of tears and crying out to Him, I am feeling relief from the pain of the past. I am feeling His Peace now more than ever. He is teaching me to be quiet in my spirit. And as loud as this house can be, that is hard. But I'm learning, I'm getting there. 

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