Sunday, July 10, 2011

Now...

Fact about me: I have birthed all three of my children naturally. Meaning no drugs, no epidural.

Want to know my secret of getting through it all? When the pain arises and contractions start, I begin to think of that baby and how quickly his life will pass by. I lay back, close my eyes and I tell myself over and over, "Kelsey, this will be over before you know it. And then you will blink and be planning his first birthday party." By the time that thought is over, the contraction would disappear. Doing that while laboring for Kruz to be born seems like yesterday, yet-here I am planning his first birthday party.

................................................................................

A Note to My Kruzer:

After Daddy gave you a bath tonight, we both knew what time it was: Mommy and Kruzer time :) That is the time when I nurse you and rock you before bed. You enjoy nursing so much, and I fear you will be a stubborn little booger to ween. Tonight, I nursed and held you a little longer. For just a moment, I set myself away from the chaos of everyday life and I tried my hardest freeze time. As tears ran down my cheeks, I just held you. No words, just embrace.

I took myself back to that Christmas Day. I was 9 weeks pregnant with you at the time when I heard the words no Mommy wants to hear: "Mrs. Nichols, there is no way this baby could have made through that. You've lost too much blood. I am certain you have miscarried." I cringed when I heard those words, but on the way to the hospital with YahYah and Daddy, God told me in my spirit that you were meant to be here. You have a purpose on this Earth and no matter what man said, God said you would be fine. We got to the hospital and I was still bleeding a lot. After telling MawMaw and PawPaw not to drive up from Macon, they came through the hospital doors shortly after we arrived. The entire time I was eerily calm. We went down for the ultrasound and the nurse advised me not to watch the screen. YahYah rubbed my feet and repeatedly said, "It's going to be okay, we'll get through this." I faced the wall and prayed. Curiosity got the best of me and I turned to look at the screen. I saw this little peanut laying there, not moving. And then for a moment, I allowed the Devil to get the best of me. I thought to myself, 'No movement from the baby? I miscarried'. I turned my face back over to the wall and YahYah went and sat back down on the bench in the ultrasound room. Then I heard a sound I will never forget, your heartbeat. My head jerked around so fast and I said to the tech, "That's not my heartbeat, is it?" She so sweetly replied, "No ma'am. That's your baby's heart beating. He or she has a good, strong heartbeat and measures just fine. I'll let the doctors take a look at these and they will let you know something further soon." The tears began to flow. I cried. Daddy cried. YahYah cried. God had shown up and showed out. He wanted you to be here, he has a wonderful purpose for you. I know as you get older I will feel sad sometimes, but I also enjoy watching you grow and do new things. I look forward to seeing what God has in store for you. You are already so full of life and your smile is simply contagious. I love you more than you will ever comprehend, or at least until you have a child of your own. I find myself thinking about your future often, but during that moment I did nothing but think of you right now.

I rubbed the back of your neck where your hair likes to grow the most and I think of how it is now.

I rubbed your fat, little feet and put them into my hand and thought of how small they are now.

I felt the softness of your skin as the side of your face laid against my chest and I thought of your face now.

For just that moment, I tried to freeze time and even though the clocks may not have physically stopped, the moment I had with you made me completely still. I bottled it in my heart and will never forget that moment I shared with you.

Tomorrow we will celebrate YOU and accomplishing your first year. And what better way to start it than by having a first-you walked with a walker all by yourself for the first time tonight in the driveway. :) Mommy was so proud of you.


video



3 comments:

  1. Beautiful post Kelsey. :*( Happy Birthday Mr. Kruz. What a miracle you are. And you're so right, his smile is very congtagious. :) Ps- I didn't know you did all your labors drug free. Go YOU!

    ReplyDelete
  2. this post made me tear up and gave me chills. beautifully written :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kelsey, beautiful just beautiful. My cup runneth over just sharing in and watching your family grow. One day these boys will read these love letters to them and know how much you adore them. Love you, Mom.

    ReplyDelete