Wednesday, March 12, 2014

My First Letter To My First Daughter ...

Hi there Little Lady. 

This letter has been in my heart for quite some time now, the first words I would say to my daughter, if I ever had one. I do now. I have a daughter and that still catches my breath daily. Those words, I have a daughter, still make me smile so big my cheeks will start to hurt. Those words make me dream some of the biggest dreams I've ever had. Those words fill me with an unspeakable joy. 

When I first found out we were expecting number five, I had a feeling you were a little girl. Of course, I kept those feelings and hopes often suffocated. Having a daughter has seemed so out of reach for me and I just didn't want to put myself "there", in that place of "just maybe this time". From 5 weeks to 14 weeks, I thought I was dying most days and knew this pregnancy was nothing like any of the others and pretty much had myself convinced I was having twins. I survived on grilled cheeses and Ben and Jerry's. Point is, I just knew something was different. 

During the 13th week, I made an appointment just to find out if you were a boy or a girl. My plan was to go alone. Your oldest brother Kollin wanted you to be a sister so bad. I could just see him saying, "But I don't want another brother. I wanted a baby sister!" In fear of the entire office hearing him say that, we decided I would go to the appointment and Daddy would keep your brothers with him. And to be so completely honest, I would have rather heard the words, "It's another boy" by myself. Forty five minutes before the appointment, I called your YahYah and confessed where I was going. Before I knew it, there I was in a room with your profile on the screen surrounded by your Daddy, four brothers, your YahYah and your MawMaw. 

I will never, ever forget when I saw your heart pumping on the screen for the first time. And I saw your face, your lips and little nose. I immediately thought to myself how petite you seemed compared to all of your brothers. After what seemed like forever, the technician said the words, "Yep. Yep, that's a girl. I see no boy parts at all." I looked over at your Daddy, who was leaning in the corner of the room with a look of shock over his face. Pure shock, pure love, pure fear. Kollin started to tear up and he looked up at me with a face I will never forget. Your YahYah and MawMaw were hugging, crying and doing a victory dance. It was a sight for sure and in that moment I thanked God that we all ended up there together to meet you for the first time.

We celebrated with Mexican and shopping. Your YahYah picked out your first few outfits and I stood there in Kohls repeating over and over in my heart, "I'm having a daughter, I'm having a daughter". To be honest though, I still felt so unsure. I knew it was pretty early to find out the gender and here I was going off one person's opinion. I know your Daddy was waiting for his true celebration, waiting till we had another ultrasound. 

We confirmed with another ultrasound at 16 weeks and when our friend and regular ultrasound technician said you were a girl ... well, I think that was when I really allowed myself to celebrate deep in my soul. Later that night, I was in the car alone to pick up pizza for dinner and it hit me. Like really hit me. 
Lord willin', I will get to smother you in kisses and bows, nurse you and watch you grow from new baby to toddlerhood. I will get to dress you up on Easter in a super frilly dress and then watch you get it dirty with your four big brothers. I will get to see your face light up at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique when you become a Princess for the day. I will get to tell you just how smart, beautiful and wonderful you really are. I will watch you fall in love and I will have the privilege of watching your Daddy walk you down the aisle.  I will watch you birth your children and know the feeling your YahYah has felt over and over. I will be the one you call when your baby runs a fever or has a rash or when you are just at your wits end. I will get to treat you to a pedicure when I know you need a break from those kiddos. I will have someone to give the ring your MawMaw gave me when I was eighteen. I will know the love a Mother has for her Daughter. I will have you.

I have only seen you on a screen twice and yet I love you as though I have known you my entire life. We've named you Khloe Ruth and know this name will suit you perfectly. I'm counting down the days until your arrival and at the same time cherishing every day I know you are growing within me. Me and you, you and me - you are going to be my best girl. I love you Khloe Ruth.

Love, Mommy

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