Took The First Step ...

Back in January I shared with you about our calling on adoption. 

You can read the story here.

 To make it short, I never felt led to be a foster or adoptive parent. It was something I thought I was not cut out for at all. In October of last year, I heard the voice of the Lord for the first and only time in my life. In the midst of that moment, my family was called to adopt. My experience was so surreal and in that moment my heart was changed and I began to seek God for how He wanted to use me in this way. Before that though, was this ...

Throughout the many jobs and journeys I have gone through in my life, I have always felt like being a Mommy was my calling. For a long time I tried to make my life about something else. You know sometimes we know in our hearts what God wants for us, but we want something different. And we fight it and try our best to get around it. I hope you don't mistake that for putting my own goals above my children. My children have always been a top priority in my life, of course - they're my heart. For a long time though, I looked forward to the day they would start school and the days I would have "rest" at home and time to focus on my dreams and desires. At this time I would have told you photography was my focus. Blindly, I had convinced myself this was where I needed to be putting my attention. Be a photographer. I'm typing this and it sounds really, really bad. Fact is though, there are tons of Mommys who have other jobs than at home. And that is okay. God calls us Mommys for all different jobs. And it goes without saying, even though some Mommys work outside of the home, they love their children no less. And at this time, I wanted to be one of those Mommys. One with a job other than being a Mommy. 

In March 2012, I was called to homeschool my children. I felt this peace within about teaching my children at home and I plan to write about this more in a couple weeks. I knew what God wanted of me and I still fought it. Fought it to the core. I longed for photography to be my job. I have an eye and a love for it. And to set aside a business that I worked so hard in building was disheartening and hard. I watched photography friends around me post peek after peek and session after session while I planned reading, writing and math. I loved homeschooling the boys though. And it was hard to make time for both. The Lord continued to work in my heart though and I realized that if I didn't step up to His calling for me and my family, I would be taking away His blessings and His plans for my entire family, not just me. I embraced homeschooling wholeheartedly. I still book sessions and weddings at the convenience of my children and our lives. I enjoy when I'm able to photograph others, but it is no longer my top focus. 

I wrote all of this to say this: had I not chose to homeschool and listen to what God was calling me to do, chances are I wouldn't have been where I was when I was when God spoke to me about adoption. And I would have disrupted His plans for my family entirely. 

Yesterday, we took our first step towards making a difference in the life of a child we don't even know yet. It was a small step, but a step nonetheless. Travis and I gathered the kids and my Momma in the living room and we prayed before we left for our Foster Parenting Orientation. We are being sure to include the boys in every step and never forgetting to pray before we take each of those steps. 

The Orientation was a little over two hours and although we've done our research and knew quite a bit of what was covered, we learned a few things too. 

I am feeling liberated and privileged to know that God is using me. As scary as this process can be, I know God's hand will be with us throughout each new task we complete. I'm not saying it is going to be easy, but I am comforted to know that God offers grace during times of difficulty. I am comforted to know He will guide me in decisions. Please continue to pray for us as we complete the next step. I will be sure to update as we go. 

Get Ready to Get Used ...

So the day was October 3rd, 2012. 

Before I go any further about that day let me give you some insight to the earlier years. Since the day I have been asked what I want to be when I grow up the answer has always been the same, a Mommy. My Momma stayed home with my older brother and I as long as I can remember. And that's exactly what I wanted to do too. I wanted to be Team Mom, Room Mom and head of the PTA. Ha, little did I know I would be the Principal and Teacher. 

When Travis and I got married I am pretty sure I would have had a honeymoon baby. I was only 18, but age meant nothing to me. I knew I was meant to be a Mommy, Travis and I knew we wanted a large family. Quite frankly, I wanted a baby right then!! Travis wanted to wait a few years and after many heated talks that should have taken place during the dating season, we compromised on 2 years. And we waited. Kollin came into our lives right after our 3 year anniversary. And when I say there was no "trying" to get Kollin into this world, I mean we started our baby making regimen in January and were pregnant in January. 

Travis Kollin 11-10-2006

Kolt Edward 07-09-2008

Kruz Amon 07-11-2010

Kohen Clark 07-13-2012

I'm saying all this to say this, adoption has never crossed my mind. I guess it has never really had to. I have been blessed with the ability to have children with no medical help. 

If you're a blog stalker of mine you know we have FOUR boys, if you're a friend of mine or know me at all you know how much I desire to have a daughter. There's no denying my yearning for a little blond hair, blue eyed lady running around this house. If I have been asked one time, I have been asked one thousand times: Why don't you just adopt a little girl? My answer has always been the same, it's just not for me. I have never felt the desire in adoption, nor have a I felt my heart tug me in that direction. Until October 3rd.

October 3rd.

Kollin and I were headed to Atlanta to the Center of Puppetry Arts to meet up with friends and celebrate Miss Josie's Gotcha Day. We were jammin' up 19/41 through Jonesboro (and when I say jammin', I mean Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Getting Back Together" up as loud as it would go, singing at the top of our lungs). Good times. And you would think not the most opportune time for the Lord to speak to me. But that's just what happened. He did. In all of my 27 years I have never actually heard the Lord's voice. Sure, I have felt His presence in my life several times. I have felt an embrace from Him and a feeling of things being okay. I have felt His presence when those babies of mine kicked in my belly and every time we heard those amazing 'bum-bums' of their heartbeats. But actually hearing the voice of God, I've only read about that in the Bible. So here I am singing like a fool and probably making several people advert their eyes from the road and onto my water bottle microphone and great moves. Like a serious game of Red Light Green Light, I found myself completely still. Although the music was still up in Kollin's ears, the car was silent for me. I felt this wave of something, like a gust of wind that was so gentle it couldn't even move a hair on my head. I was suddenly covered in cold chills up and down my arms and I began to cry. I knew I was being surrounded by the wondrous Holy Spirit. And I knew I had better listen. Just like that, I heard Him. In so many words, the Lord told me our family would adopt: the time was unsure, the gender and race was unsure. 

Get ready to get used. 

I have heard many others talk about their callings in life and their overwhelming fear of inability. Really? Me? There? Doing that? My pastor has mentioned his horrible stutter as a kid and how he questioned his calling into ministry. Missionaries often question their ability, finances and just exactly how moving out of the country works. Then there are others who just knew a peace, a comfort right away. 

I guess I am classified in the group of the ones with a peace about their calling. I am certain this is the reason why God has placed Nicole in my life. She has become such a close friend in a short period of time and like very few women, she makes me feel normal. We originally started our friendship from homeschooling-she knew what she was doing and I did not. Funny how the Lord works. I am certain she will be a mentor for me in this, even if she's just finding out ;) Nicole has allowed me to see first hand how one can love a child that wasn't birthed from her womb. I mean a love that is equivalent to my love for my own. 

Even though we may not have exactly started the process, I believe our journey in adoption has already began. Our family has been called in an amazing way. We still have many daunting tasks ahead of us; Travis would like to go back to school, I would like to get a firm grip on homeschooling and like so many other Mommys, my to-do list is a mile long. Although it seems so far away as to when we will have a new face in our brood, you just never know what day God will choose. Who knew October 3rd would ultimately change my families' life forever. Who knew?

And for those of you who were wondering what the husband's reaction was? Can I just say how amazing of a man I married! His response: "In this day and age, if the Lord spoke to you, we'd better listen. (insert a small chuckle) I'm ready when you are ..." 

P.S. Sorry it took me 3 months to share this experience. It took me a little bit to get a grip on it all :)