Time to Admit I'm a New Creature ...

I'm sitting here behind my computer picking at my nails, staring at the keyboard and peeking up at the blank screen like everything I'm thinking is going to just put itself there. Because, it's like, I don't know how to pick up something after having left it for so long. 

I've changed over the past year. Something about nearly losing your Dad, having to put on your Big Girl Panties to make some major adult decisions, deciding it's okay to dream again and making the changes to start doing that, losing two cousins who are your own age in a month of each other and turning 30 that'll do that to you. 

My friend Nicole turned 30 before I did and I remember her telling me how much changes. All the feels. All the ways you stop caring about some stuff and start caring way more about other stuff. All the ways you realize what is really important and just how brutiful this life thing is at it's core. All the ways you quit giving a rat's behind about other's opinions and start focusing more on the people who mean the most. All the ways you realize who your real friends are. All the ways you realize as a Mother that You matter, like You - not the Wife-You or the Mama-You - but just You. 

At 29, I thought she was crazy. 

At 30, I realized it's all true. I feel like over the past year, I've become a New Creature. I have learned to make my marriage more important than I ever have. I have learned to only value the opinions of those who matter most to me. I have learned that my Walk and my Relationship with God will not look like everyone else's and that's totally cool with Him. I have learned that not everyone will agree with me. I have learned our Family Dynamic is different than most of those around us and that's okay. Because here's the thing: they're not me. They're not Travis' wife. They're not Kollin, Kolt, Kruz, Kohen and Khloe's Mama. Nope. That'd be me. 

I have no idea where any of that just came from. For real. My intention was to get on here and be all blubbery about how much I miss this dang blog. But maybe though I'm just having a hard time starting again because a lot in me has changed and I needed to acknowledge that. 

Or maybe I'm just Hormonally Challenged these days and I don't blog anymore simply because it isn't written on my beloved To-Do List. Either one. 

Really though, I do miss this blog. I miss it enough that this will be my third attempt at jumping back in. 

I miss sharing my messiness, my victories, my favorite recipes. 

I miss venting. 

I miss letting all of my crazy show and forgetting until I see some of y'all in public and think, "Oh Dear".

I miss having something to go back and look at when it comes to how fast my babies are growing up.

Seriously though, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should put this sucker on my beloved To-Do List. That might just work. Because for real, if "Feed the Kids Breakfast" wasn't on there, they wouldn't get fed. 

I'm just gonna totally flip the script on ya and say all of these pictures are from Memorial Day! And yes, Kruz was there. He's just such a little fish that I couldn't catch him on the camera. 

Monday was good. My feels were a little way more there this year than the Memorial Days before since we lost my Cousin Bradley back in January. He served our country for several years proudly and at 29 he left us.

I made sure we sat the kiddos down this year and told them about Memorial Day; the history of it and why it is so much more than a day off of work and being at the pool all day. We talked about the difference in Armed Forces Day, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. We talked about Bradley and others in our family who have served.  We talked about soldiers and their bravery, their sacrifices, their families and how some give their life for our Freedom. We talked about Pearl Harbor, September 11 and Operation Iraqi Freedom. We talked about why I made them dress in Red, White and Blue for church the Sunday before. 

And before we were done, we circled around one of the Toy Soldiers our church gave out the day before as a reminder to pray for our military and we did just that. We took turns praying for our soldiers, their families and our country. 

Alright Y'all. That's all I got. 

My babies were worn out by the Pool today and it's so quiet here, so I'm off to read! 

Night!

We're No Surprise ...

I must say "so" and "um" a ton because when I post, I find myself typing it way too many times to count and having to go back and delete them. So, um ... with that being said I'll continue on.

Last night was a good night. 

I had a first, which I am not good at having firsts. I'm no good at change to be honest. I like what I've got going on here and so, yea ... I just like what I have going on here and I'm not about to change it. Or at least I don't like to. Now I know there are some Mommas who are totally cool with handing over their babies for the night when they are super little. And I am not that Momma. Nothing wrong with it, I'm just not that Momma. I like my babies home with me for all of their nights until they're like 2. Okay, maybe not 2. But darn near close. Kohen has been with me every night of his life. Until last night. My Momma made an offer I couldn't resist - "Let me keep all the boys at my house Friday night". 

I had some hesitation, I know - I'm crazy. The husband of course started counting down from the time I told him until yesterday morning. 

We ended up with a kidless night. And it was great. You know sometimes you don't realize how much you need something until you're right smack in the middle of it. 

Our plans to Atlanta quickly turned into our favorite local Japanese spot. Which is cool with me, I'm learning we are creatures of habit when it comes to date night. As much as I would love to say we are adventurous and as much as I'd like to be that couple that pick new places to eat - we don't. And it was good as always. We sat at dinner talking about staying out super late and what we could do. Dave and Buster's popped into the conversation and we were so excited about it. 

We were hyped, for like a minute. 

We ate a little bit more and Travis looked at me and said "Or we could go get some something sweet from Target, go get some used games from Gamestop and go home and play the Wii". So we did. And it was right up our ally. 

Starbucks was our choice of a treat and we got 3 games from Gamestop, 2 of 3 being ones for the boys for Christmas morning. (One of the few days of the year we let them play the darn thing.) We headed home, jumped in pajamas, curled up in the bed and laughed our butts off watching Mario and his Yoshi slurp in Luigi and spit him back out. We ended the night with Madea's Witness Protection Program. 

Aw, the perfect date night. 

For us anyway.

It's Not Too Much To Ask ... Is It?

Have you ever really sat back and asked yourself what you want for your kids? 
I mean, of course you want health and happiness. Go past that. What morals, values, priorities and traditions do you want them to carry?

I attended a funeral this past week for one of Travis' grandmothers. She was a sweet lady - nothing over 85 pounds, feisty as a chihuahua and would have given you anything you asked for, as long as she thought it was a good idea. Her sweet tea was terrible and she always put Kollin's diapers on backwards when he was a wee little one, then wondered why his little cheeks hung out of the bottom. She was so good to my husband and made up for some of the times his parents fell short. 

I stood next to my husband holding Kohen, watching this family be as awkward as ever. 

Sisters not recognizing one another. 

Bitterness.

One of his aunts asked him who he was.   

And I wondered to myself, when did this happen? If Grandma Bell could see them now, would she say "This is not what I wanted for my children."

It seems as though I do a lot of thinking during funeral services. Maybe because it's so quiet. Maybe because it's a reminder that life isn't forever. As I watched her children sit in the front rows, I wondered if this was what she wanted. I can only think she would have wanted more for her own; closeness, a sense of belonging. And I began to think about what I want for my own. My boys. 

I want my boys to become great men of God. I want them to stand firm on their beliefs and know that being a Christian isn't always easy. In fact, sometimes it's downright difficult. In a world where so many people rely on fleshly fulfillments, sometimes it's hard to remember the right place to run. I want them to believe in miracles, healing and blessings. Not luck. 

I want them to always respect their elders. 

I want them to honor women, now and later. Always. I am teaching them now to always ask me if I need help, carry grocery bags for me and open doors. It's important they know how to treat women with respect and in my opinion, that starts now with me. 

I want them to be quick to forgive. 

 

I want my children to always, always have a home to come to. For holidays and special occasions of course, but a place of refuge, a place without judgement. A home filled with love and laughter.

I want them to always live "right down the road".

I want my children to love others. As we prepare our children and our lives for adoption, we want our boys to know no difference in race or background. We have all been created by God, every one of us. And I want their hearts to reach out to those who may not know love from anyone else. 

I want my children to always see their parents in love. No matter our age, no matter the circumstance. I want our marriage to be an example for our boys and their wives. I want them to know that through the rough spots we still love each other, through the disappointments and through the heartaches. I want them to see us pray through problems together. 

I want them to always put their family first. So often around us families fall apart and give up on one another. I want them to always know we are on the Rock. I want them to always be close to each other, as brothers, as best friends. I want their children to grow up as best friends too.

 I mean c'mon. Is this too much to ask? 
I think not.

Nothing Creative ...

Well, hi there. 

It seems like it's been too long since I last sat behind this Mac to post. It's really only been a few days. Still, seems like too long.

I almost titled this post "Life Around Here" 'til I realized the last one was called that. Boo. Looks like I have to get creative up there.

My home has been a full of all emotions this week. 

So has my heart. 

We've had some extended family issues going on, who doesn't love that? They've left me with feelings of sadness, betrayal and a sweet reminder that I am only human. As much as I want to be a fixer, I've realized I can't fix everything. Bummer. It is emotionally gratifying though to have a supportive husband and most importantly a heavenly Father to release to. You know how it goes: a circumstance occurs, we try to fix it, get upset when we can't and then realize you've been given the perfect opportunity to actually walk the walk - to pray, give your struggles to God and then let it go. And that's just what I've done. Twice now. Guess the first time I gave it away, I did it with stipulations in mind. The second time though, it was for real. Out of my hands and in His. 

I'm currently planning a birthday party for three children. Yes, apparently Travis and I really can't get enough of each other in the month of October because our last three children have been born within a week of each other. No, this is not a joke. Kolt will be FIVE on July 9th, Kruz will be THREE on July 11th and Kohen will be ONE on July 13th. Talk about strife, try picking a theme that will satisfy three boys at three different ages. Well, this Momma picked Hot Wheels, race cars and all the likings. We keep it pretty low key around here for parties. I'm not that Momma to make pretty labels for food, crazy fancy banners or orchestrate 20 different games. We rent a water slide, blow up a few balloons, throw some snacks on a table with a Dollar Store tablecloth and call it a day. See, it all just got planned in about 10 minutes. Fact is, my boys don't need all the fancy-schmnacy stuff. They need family and friends. And a water slide. Maybe a few gifts, but nothing crazy. I'm happy with our easy parties. Leaves me more time to snuggle, play and read to my four little boogers. After all what are they going to remember, a fancy banner or giggles with Mommy? 

The wretched dog pin. 
It's been consuming the husband when he's not behind the wheel of a lawnmower or the screen of a computer. We have had so many dogs in our marriage, quite honestly we don't have very good luck with them. Through all that have come and gone though, we've had Country since our first Valentine's Day together. He was a beagle and was so loyal, sweet and smelly. The perfect dog. He left us back in December after 8 years. We've had Sofie now for almost three years. She is pretty awesome. Some friends of ours rescued her as a stray puppy from our church parking lot. 

This picture was taken right after we brought Sofie home.

And after much denial, I knew she belonged with us. Since Country left, she's been a bit lonely in our backyard. The boys keep her busy, but the whimpers at night time are killing me. We decided to get her a friend, Zeb is his name. Another set of friends from church have been looking for a home for him. I love when things work out, reminds me that even the little things are in His hands. The husband decided that a new pin would be needed before bringing Zeb home though. I love the outcome of things, but not the process of getting them. Know what I mean? The husband and I have been working our booties off to get this thing up this past weekend. Yea, I can put up a fence without even chipping my french manicure. I'm that good. Projects with the husband just give us an opportunity to test our teamwork skills, they're still just as good as day one. We're such a great team and I'm thankful for the times we're reminded of that. The fence is almost done. Yah. Hopefully by the next post you can see pics of Sofie and Zeb enjoying their Doggy Kingdom. 

That's all for now. 

P.S. Sorry about the not so creative title up there. You still love me, right?

Dancing Under the Stars ...

We were dancing under the stars. 

So romantic, right?

This is how my dancing under the stars went the other night ...

We got home late after practice (surprise, surprise). I started unloading the brood and Travis walked up the driveway to check the mail. The kids headed in for showers and I walked back out to the car for something. It was a clear night, the stars were so bright. I thought, hmm - perfect opportunity to have a dance with the husband. So I asked him to dance with me. 

I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes. It was quiet for a few seconds ... 

Me: How's your shoulder feel? Have you been able to poop since you've been taking that medicine again?

Hubs: Fine, I guess. I mean I started taking those stool softeners a couple days before the surgery. 

Me: Oh good. That was smart. 

A few more seconds of silence.

Hubs: How'd Kruz do today? Peeing and pooping?

Me: Great! No accidents. 

A few more seconds of silence.

Hubs: How's your boob feel? I know you said you thought you were getting that mastitis again ...

Me: Feels fine. Must've just slept wrong. 

A very brief moment of silence.

Me: Do you realize we're out here dancing under the stars and all we've talked about is boobs, pooping and peeing?

Then we both just bursted into laughter.

 I love that God chose him for me to do this journey with. I couldn't imagine it any other way. And yes, with me nursing our fourth kid and having all boys and one of them being two, our life does go hand in hand with boobs, pooping and peeing. It is what it is. And I am glad we can laugh about it. Although, we seriously need to work on the logistics of being romantic ....