I am going through the change friends.
Good Lord, no. Not menopause. I'm a little young for all that. Although, sometimes with the hot flashes and mood swings I wonder.
I'm going through something radical in my life, something I wish would have happened years ago. I am truly maturing in my walk with God.
And it.is.amazing.
I'm sure you've read past blogs, the ones of uncertainty and doubt. There was one in particular, you can read it here, that I asked myself, "Am I ever going to get better at this?"
Am I ever going to get better at parenting? Am I ever going to get better at being a wife to Travis? Am I ever going to get better at simply being a homemaker?
Truth is, no I am not. I am only human. I am not perfect. I cannot do this thing called life on my own.
It was like a swift kick in the tush. I am nowhere near where I should be with God and my walk with Him. Especially if I am having feelings of doubt and unhappiness. I needed more talks with God, more of making Him the center of my everything. I've started reading more, my Bible and devotionals. Desperate included. You can see my thoughts on the first half of the book here. I guess you could say I've been a working progress for the past month. In committing my days back to Him and giving over the worries of my haunting To-Do List, my life has been easier. My house has been cleaner. My kids have been more behaved. I have accomplished more than I ever intended to or imagined. My marriage has held more intimate moments, more laughing and more sharing. My friendships are growing deeper.
This past Wednesday I had to do something I don't like - teach. I hate having to talk in front of people, yes even in a laid back-chairs all in a circle-friends all there-kind of setting. My stomach aches and I fear not being spiritually prepared to give His word. I sat on the couch Wednesday afternoon surfing YouTube trying to find a good video to show, really just trying to get out of it all. Then I remembered. I remembered what my soul has been harvesting the last month, making Him the center. Lord knows I don't like to do it, but sometimes we're called to do things we don't like. I prayed for a blessing. A blessing of something to be laid on my heart to share with those in our small group at church. I knew I needed to share what I'd been going through myself. And I did. And it was great. We had great conversation and my prayer has been that each person in that room makes a commitment to grow closer and to draw nearer to God.
As I taught that night, I felt like I was feeding my own soul.
"Here’s another Message from God to the people of Judah and Jerusalem:
'Plow your unplowed fields, but then don’t plant weeds in the soil!'"
Jeremiah 4:3 (The Message)
Is my heart prepared?
Have I rid my soul of the thorns? Of the bitterness? Of the hindrances in my life? Am I ready to let those things go?
A month ago, I would have answered no. No, my heart was not prepared. I was still trying to run this show on my own. I was feeling alone and unheard. I was so overwhelmed with feelings of failure that I festered on them. I was not ready to focus on Him.
It's a good thing the Lord waits on us. Over the past month, I have been preparing my heart. I have been committing my days. I have made Him my center. I have stopped looking to so many parenting books and instead am looking to Him. I have showed my children grace, as He shows me. I have been more patient and recognized more of Travis' attributes and quit nagging the petty things. My heart was so full of bitterness that there was nowhere for God to really dwell.
"Sow righteousness, reap love. It’s time to till the ready earth, it’s time to dig in with God, until he arrives with righteousness ripe for harvest. But instead you plowed wicked ways, reaped a crop of evil and ate a salad of lies. You thought you could do it all on your own, flush with weapons and manpower."
Hosea 10:12 (The Message)
"...it's time to dig in with God..."
How cool is that? I love that, plain and simple.
"So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet."
James 4:7-10 (The Message)
Wow. Do I really need to say more? These verses hit me hard. It never occurred to me that I needed to mourn over my past unsteady relationship with God. But I did. When I really thought about how weak my walk was, it saddened me. And shouldn't it? God does so much for myself and my family and I wasn't giving Him nearly what He deserved. I once read to let your joy be turned to heaviness for a season, that you might really give yourself unto seeking Him. How true. Mourning your weak walk with God is important. It's important to weep over your selfish behavior, ask for forgiveness, then seek Him like never before. God will not push Himself upon you, you have to be the one to open the doors first. You give the invitation and He will dwell there. Like never before.
Are you ready?
Is your heart prepared?
Have you rid your soul of bitterness?
Are you ready to give up selfish habits and hindrances?
Mourn your weak walk with Him.
Ask for forgiveness.
Seek Him.
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